For sure I held a fondness for them all, to a greater or lesser extent, but any sorrow I had felt when we parted quickly passed. However, when first Amy, and then Caroline, had left it caused me real pain, and the thought of not seeing Annette again filled me with a similar anguish.Annette had said that love comes with time, and with shared experiences with, and respect for, ones lover. Although I had known Amy Fairfax far longer than I had known Annette I had spent more time in Annette's company than in Amy's. As for experiences, well, last night with Annette far outstripped any intimacy shared with Amy. Then there was the subject of respect. I have to say that when Amy told me she would marry for position but would continue to take lovers I was shocked. The word I threw at her -- whore --came from my heart, and some of the respect in which I held her dissipated.I had found no reason to alter the high regard and respect that I held Annette Blanchard. She treated her maids as. I was turning into a bad person. I was turning into a woman who was betraying her husband and her marriage. I was becoming someone I hated, someone I didn’t want to be. I was turning into what Derek wanted me to be. Derek, I thought. That man had a hold over me that no one else had ever had before. He was bad for me, I knew this and so did he, but I kept going back to him. The fact that he was so bad for me made it good. I stood under the water for a further ten minutes, scrubbing and washing my body over and over again until my skin was almost glowing red. After I turned off the shower and dried, I dressed into my pyjamas and went to see Bryan in his study, which was where he spent most of his time after dinner. If he wasn’t in the study after dinner then he was usually out of the house. The study was like Bryan’s secret little hovel. It was where he worked or sometimes watched porn, away from me and away from the kids. I didn’t have a problem with it. I knew he did it, he never.
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